Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
