Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
