i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Of course I have a pirate flag
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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