Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
