I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
