just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
