Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
