You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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