Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
