there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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