take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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