DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
