3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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