if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
