i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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