My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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