It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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