Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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