Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
