there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
