Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
