pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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