Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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