Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
sarcasm needs its own font
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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