You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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