just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
