You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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