Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so let's talk penis.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
