I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
