The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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