No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
