Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
