DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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