Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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