im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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