We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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