he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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