his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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