I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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