So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
