Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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