I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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