New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
