im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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