He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
