I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
