I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
as a side note pls kill me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
