i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
