I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sext me about skeletons
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
