I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
