Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
