So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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